Having Bipolar

Hello everyone! I’m so happy that im managing to get a blog up a day:). Hope your all having a lovely week.

WARNING&DISCLAIMER: Will include self harm and suicide. Sorry for the bad language also. I am not a professional and any advice/ tips given is purely from personal experience and things that have worked for me! Also, just because i have experienced things with my condition, it doesn’t mean that its going to be the same for everybody with bipolar. The condition is the same but the person isn’t so the signs and symptoms could be completely different.

I got diagnosed with bipolar in July 2018. So this time last year basically. It all came about because I was in hospital after taking an overdose and I had to speak to a physiatrist who then diagnosed me. I had to have some brain scans and track my moods and I had therapy meetings, which I hated, every week. I had to fill out form after form and it wasn’t until about 3 weeks later that they gave me medication. More about anti depressants and what I was on in next blog!

I suppose I’ve known that I was bipolar for a few years. My moods have always been very up and down but they just seemed to get worse. Like I was fine one minute, crying my eyes out the next, then I would be perfectly fine again. I mean, this got really bad. I couldn’t control my moods at all. It was horrible. There didn’t even have to be anything wrong and I would be sat there crying.

I ended up isolating myself so much because I didn’t know how I was going to feel from one minute to the next. I was so scared. I didn’t want people to think I was weird because I couldn’t control my moods. I stopped going to work for a while. I think I had like 4/5 weeks off just because I couldn’t face going. I mean, what would have happened if I had a mental breakdown at work. Granted I was at my old job at this point and my manager wasn’t exactly the best when it came to mental health. My mind went into overdrive, so I didn’t go to work. Which then caused me to lose money which isn’t what I wanted at all as I had rent and bills to pay. Which then stressed me out even more and when I get stressed or I’m having a bad day, my mood swings are 20x worse. So this then caused me and my boyfriend to argue a lot because I’d take my moods out on him completely for no reason. There was this one time, we were led in bed having a cuddle and watching vampire diaries, I’m obsessed, and we were fine and I was fine, feeling really good, as I always do when I’m with him. Then boom. I snapped. For no reason. I just got so angry and upset over nothing. It felt like my blood was boiling literally and it felt like my head was going to pop. My head felt cloudy and I just wanted to scream. So, I sat up and said to my boyfriend and said ” you’re a fucking cunt”. He literally looked at me and was like ”shut up and come cuddle me”. But no, obviously I couldn’t just give him a cuddle even though that’s all I wanted. I stood up and started going on a mad ome, throwing things and shouting and crying, over nothing. I caused a massive argument for no reason. I was literally fine 5 minutes before. It lasted for about 20 minutes and I then suddenly realised that I was kicking off for no reason, and I felt fine again. My boyfriend was amazing and barely argued back, he knows how to handle my moods.

When I say my moods are drastic, I mean they are BAD. I can literally go from 100 to 0. I could be so happy and the next minute I’ve taken 300 paracetamol and im in hospital again. It can be the other way round though. I can wake up feeling really low and wake up crying then the next minute i would be really hyper and dancing round my bedroom like a crazy lady.

I struggled a lot to maintain relationships, more so with my family because I was comfortable with them, I didn’t care about snapping at them. Where as I wouldnt just snap at a random person. My family never really understood though to be honest. I think that’s what made it worse. But to be honest, I can’t really say I understood it either.

I’d like to say I’ve learnt how to control it. But I haven’t. It’s got easier to deal with, but my mood swing are still pretty bad. I suppose though I can’t really control it. I don’t take any medication but I’ll explain why in my other blog. The most important thing for me is space. So if I am having a moment, I like to be on my own. This way I can’t snap at anyone and it gives me chance to breathe. Don’t get me wrong, I still cause a lot of arguments and some days I don’t even get out of bed because im so worried about what i might say to someone if my mood drops. Another thing I find really helpful though is knowing what can set my moods off and what can make me feel better. For example, if my mood drops and I start to feel really angry, I’ll take myself away so I’m on my own, I will roll a joint and write. Now before anyone tried to give me the whole ”weed isn’t good for you, it’ll make you worse speech”, I don’t wanna hear it. Smoking helps me a lot and people react to it differently. While I am smoking, I will write my diary, this is good because if something has set me off then I can write it down and track what makes me feel like shit. Which I find really helpful because then those situations can be avoided. If im feeling really sad, then I will get into bed, for an hour or two but no more otherwise I will spend all day in bed and that makes me feel worse. Again, I’ll write to see if I can figure out why I feel the way I do, granted, most the time its over nothing. Ill put my favourite film on and just chill.

I love it when I get in my hyper moods though, because I literally have so much energy and am so happy. Like SO happy.

They have told me that my moods will always be drastically up and down and that I basically have to deal with it. So that’s what I’m trying my best to do. Its like constantly being on my period but 1000x worse.

If you would like to hear more or would like some more adivce and tips then message my instagram:)

Thank you for reading

chlo x